Ronald Wall by Alistair Graham
This is the true story of Ronald Wall.
‘Hey you, yes you reading this page; what are you looking at?’
‘Sorry, I have no idea how it happens, but sometimes I find I can break through the fourth wall and speak directly to you, the reader. It all began one day when I was at work on a building site and accidently discovered and touched some alien-like substance. Everything’s changed since then. I can build walls superfast and also break through the fourth wall and talk to my audience, you. I’m a comic book character you see, a fiction, but then again maybe I’m not.
What do you think?’
Anyway, this is the true story of Ronald Wall, which of course is me, or should I say us, the authors Alistair and Patrick.
Ronald’s walking along the streets of Newcastle. It’s busy, very busy, and Ronald can taste the traffic fumes. He’s thinking about the world; politics, terrorism, corruption, criminal gangs, computer hacking, and the media. A lot of people don’t like or trust the media Ronald thinks, the papers and TV spreading lies and destroying lives.
One night Ronald is walking through the dark tunnel of a graffiti strewn subway when he hears raised voices and then someone calling for help. Ronald races through the subway and sees a male figure making off and another person on the ground calling after him…
‘Stop, bring back my purse!’
Ronald dashes over and helps the person on the pavement to their feet. Close up he sees that it’s an elderly woman who pleads with Ronald to help get her purse back.
‘It’s got every penny I need for this week’ she cries. Ronald makes off in the direction of the mugger and putting on an extra spurt he catches up and grabs him by the collar.
‘I’m making a citizen’s arrest’ says Ronald and pushes the mugger to the ground. ‘Don’t move’ says Ronald, who is a strong man with a no nonsense approach to life. Ronald takes out his mobile from his jacket pocket and dials 999.
The police turn up and before Ronald knows it they’re telling him off for being too rough on the mugger.
Ronald thinks about how bad people can screw the law and break the rules as he walks towards the hospital with a bunch of flowers for the elderly woman who was mugged.
‘At least she got her money back’ Ronald thinks looking at the bunch of flowers.
On another occasion Ronald discovered a crime gang smuggling drugs in the apartment block close to where he lives. The gang were selling drugs to the young people in the block. The parents were too afraid and intimidated to stand up to the gang. Two young people died from an overdose and Ronald decided enough is enough and confronted the criminals one night. Ronald tried being reasonable but ended up fighting the gang. He knew in his heart they wouldn’t see reason, people like that never do. The police arrived on the scene and found five men beaten up and Ronald was arrested. The gang decided it wasn’t worth pressing charges against this crazy man and so didn’t press charges. Instead they promised themselves to get even with mad Ronald.
Ronald was let off with a caution and the arresting officer told him that the police didn’t need vigilantes.
‘Don’t play superhero sir, someone is bound to get hurt.’
Ronald couldn’t believe he had been arrested and the murdering drug dealers let off the hook. The police wouldn’t investigate the death of the two young people who left behind grieving families and friends.
Ronald wishes he was a superhero and fight the bad guys, just like Batman, Iron Man or good old Captain America.
Ronald works on a building site as a bricklayer, he’s in his thirties and has been a brickie since he was a teenager playing truant from school. Ronald started out carrying a hod full of bricks as a brickie’s mate and looked like he was carrying books but the bricks were heavy and Ronald used to get shoulder ache until he toughened up.
‘Hey you, yes you reading this story. I’m Ronald and I’m going to tell you how I came about getting a super power. Okay?’
‘Sorry, it just happens when I least expect it. I hope it doesn’t put you off reading my story. It’s an incredible story. Walls are my thing, so breaking through the fourth wall and talking to you is a piece of cake. Easy. No wall can contain me, but I can contain people behind walls built at an incredible speed.’
That’s my super power. I can break through walls, and I can build them.
One day Ronald was wandering off on his own checking out for a delivery of bricks that had gone missing. He was behind the building site out of sight of his co-workers. Suddenly he felt the ground shift beneath him and felt himself falling into a hole. He hit the floor and felt the air rush from his lungs. Ronald felt disorientated, he sat up, and looked around. It was dark, but Ronald used the torch on his mobile phone and found himself in an underground corridor. He pointed the mobile light towards one dark corner and there was the crate of missing bricks covered in glowing green goo. Ronald was puzzled, and slowly raised himself to his feet, his back aching, but nothing broken. He reached his hand out and touched the goo. He held his fingers up to his nose and sniffed, the goo smelt of nothing, so he breathed it some more. He scooped a handful of the glowing green goo and breathed in some more. Ronald Wall felt a tingling sensation all over his body, it wasn’t unpleasant, like being tickled from the inside. But then Ronald found it difficult to breathe as if he was suffering from an attack of asthma. Ronald started to panic, he couldn’t catch his breath, he fell to his knees, and tried to dial 999, but his fingers felt thick and useless. Ronald fell over and remained unconscious for at least an hour.
When Ronald finally came around he felt remarkably well, fit and strong.
For the rest of the day Ronald worked faster and more productively than
he’d ever done in his life. He felt rejuvenated, super fit and super strong; a bricklaying Superman! The other builders noticed and the jokes began to roll;
‘What you had for breakfast Ronald? Three Shredded Wheats?’
‘Whatever you’re smoking I want some!’
The usual banter. Ronald smiled, nodded, but carried on working, faster and faster, mortar on brick, faster and faster.
But the banter stopped and the other builders dropped their hobs and trowels.
suspicion and criticism. Over the weeks Ronald almost singlehandedly builds an office block, and then a skyscraper. The press and the TV turn up and film Ronald at work. Wow, say the newscasters, awesome, unbelievable.
Ronald is fast cementing a new career as the world’s fastest bricklayers but the other bricklayers are bricking it.
Ronald’s fame spreads across the Atlantic and one night he receives a tweet from the President of the United States.
Dear Ronald, will you build my wall?
Name your price!
Ronald realises Donald Trump is asking him to build a wall between Mexico and the USA. Ronald doesn’t agree with the President’s decision to separate people. Ronald thinks people need to unite and work together.
Ronald’s just about to reply to the tweet but decides instead to send the president a house brick with a message painted on it;
‘Chew on this!’
The phenomena of Ronald Wall turn’s global with everyone wanting a piece of Ronald’s fame. Offers come rolling in for Ronald to build houses, skyscrapers, hospitals, schools.
The headlines in the newspapers call Ronald the Brickman, Super Brickie, and on one occasion when Ronald bricked up a gang of bank robbers on Halloween Night the Sun used the famous headline –
‘Brick or Treating!’
Super Brickie Ronald Wall cemented his career as a crime fighter last night by stopping a dangerous and ruthless gang known as the Masked Marauders from emptying the bank vaults. Ronald was out patrolling the streets
Ronald was becoming such a well known celebrity that he was finally invited to be a guest on the Piers Morgan Show. Ronald wasn’t keen on him at all and avoided watching what he called the ‘slime.’ But he’d been invited so thought he best make the best of it.
The Piers Morgan Show Featuring Ronald Wall
Good evening, my name is Piers Morgan and tonight I’m going to be interviewing the new super legend, brick layer extraordinaire, the fastest brickie on the planet, the one and only, Ronald Wall.
Audience cheer and whoop for Ronald
Piers: Tell me Ronald, how did you get your super powers?
Ronald: How did you get yours?
Piers: Well, I don’t have a superpower.
Ronald: Yes you do Piers, you’re the most obnoxious man on the planet. That makes you pretty unique.
The audience laugh and clap.
Piers Morgan laughs but he’s obviously not happy.
Piers: Okay, very funny. But I want to ask you another question. Do you think it’s right for you to be doing the work of the police? I understand they’re not very happy about your vigilantism.
Ronald: Sorry, did you say vegetarianism?
Audience laugh again
Piers: You don’t seem to be taking this interview very seriously Mister Wall.
Ronald: Does anyone take your interviews seriously Piers?
Piers: I want to know if you think it’s right that you get in the way of the police doing their job?
People in the audience shout and disagree
Ronald: I’ve bricked up some really bad guys that can no longer be a threat to society. All I do is leave them imprisoned behind a brick wall for the police to pick up. No one gets hurt, I’m not DEADPOOL.
‘Hi, I’m DEADPOOL, just thought I’d say hi…. You’re not the only one who can break the fourth wall Ronald!’
The audience cheer and whoop loudly at the appearance of DEADPOOL who disappears as quickly as he arrived. Piers Morgan’s not happy, he thinks it’s all a big joke and that Ronald Wall cannot really break the fourth wall.
Piers: Look, back to my original point. What right do you have to take the law into your own hands? What would happen if everyone in society did that?
Ronald: Maybe we’d live in a better world? Suggested Ronald.
The audience laugh and clap again.
Piers Morgan’s face looks like a beetroot.
Piers: Look….
Ronald: Piers, you are nothing more than a comic book character, a fiction, people think you’re a joke. In fact, you need rubbing out, erasing.
Ronald reaches inside his pocket and produces an eraser.
Piers: What’s that?
Ronald holds it up to the audience and the camera for inspection.
‘It’s a pencil rubber Piers, and I’ll show you how it works.’
Ronald Wall begins to rub out Piers Morgan’s features and the audience howl with laughter. They think it’s a magic trick, special effects, but it’s not.
Ronald then produces a pencil from his jacket pocket and begins to redraw Piers Morgan’s features.
Before too long the audience are looking at a clown’s face; still recognisable as Piers Morgan. The audience are now in stitches and Piers Morgan is utterly confused.
‘Looks like children’s morning TV for you Piers’ says Ronald Wall.
The Piers Morgan interview went viral; people couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Twitter collapsed because of the amount of posts and reposts. It was discussed in the Houses of Parliament and Boris Johnson secretly swore NEVER to meet Ronald Wall. Anyway, he was already a clown so it wouldn’t have made much difference!
The interview gained one of the biggest TV audiences in the history of British Television. Ronald was offered large amounts of cash to appear on other TV chat shows, some say up to one million pounds!
Ronald finally accepted an invitation from Jonathon Ross. Ronald liked ‘Wossy’ and accepted on the understanding that his fee for appearing would be donated to the Guild of Bricklayers Educational Trust Fund to help young apprentices learn to be be bricklayers.
On the night Ronald was due to appear Tom Cruise had to drop out and as a last minute fill in Jonathon Ross invited Jeremy Kyle. If there was anyone Ronald disliked and had no respect for besides Piers Morgan, then it was JEREMY KYLE!
Ronald Wall and Jeremy Kyle
Ronald Wall is interviewed by Jonathon Ross. On the same bill is Jeremy Kyle whose morning program has recently been suspended. Also on the show is actress Dame Judy Dench.
Jonathon Ross: My first guest is Jeremy Kyle.
Jonathon: Jeremy, do you think it’s morally ethical to take the mickey out of poor people in society. Do you think it’s right to expose people’s personal lives just for fun just for a couple hundred quid?
Your show has been suspended. Why?
Jeremy Kyle: No Jonathon, my show allows people the opportunity to voice their feelings. It gives them a platform to confront difficult issues in their lives. I’m sure you’re not going to take the moral high ground with me, after what you and Russell Brand did to Andrew Sachs you’ve got some neck.
The audience boo and hiss but Kyle doesn’t care, he always thinks he’s right and continues to attack Jonathon Ross, asking him why he’s invited a so called bricklaying superhero who performs magic tricks.
Jonathon Ross: So you don’t believe Ronald Wall possesses super powers then Jeremy?
Jeremy Kyle: About as much as I believe you can’t say the letter ‘r’.
The audience boo and shout.
Jeremy Kyle: You see Jonathon, I’m an investigative journalist and I don’t just believe the first phony faker who turns up claiming to be a superhero. Ronald Wall is a sign of the times we live in, a nobody wanting desperately to be a somebody. A bricklayer who has delusions of grandeur. It’s this crazy celebrity world we’re living in Jonathon. Ronald Wall is just a hack and I don’t believe in crap like that.
At this point Jonathon Ross says it’s time for a commercial break.
Jonathon Ross leans across to Jeremy Kyle and tells him to take it easy;
‘You know Jeremey; this guy Ronald Wall could literally rub you out!’
Jonathon Ross introduces Ronald Wall and Jeremy Kyle can’t even be bothered to stand up and shake his hand.
Jonathon Ross: Good to see you Ronald. Have you met Jeremy?
Ronald Wall: Thankfully no, and hopefully this will be the last time!
Jeremy Kyle: You see, no class.
Ronald Wall: You’re the moron who invites people onto your show so that you can humiliate them!
Jeremy Kyle: I’m a serious investigative reporter I’ll have you know, I’ve been a journalist while you’ve been stacking bricks!
The audience are starting to slow hand clap and Jonathon Ross tries to calm everyone down.
Jonathon Ross: Come on Jeremy, you’ve seen the news reports, Ronald’s stopped a lot of bad guys and used his great talent to create wonderful new homes for people who can’t afford to build their own homes. He’s also built hospitals in record time.
Jeremy Kyle: Yeah, sure….
Jonathon Ross: And he can break the fourth wall, and he can rub someone’s features out and redraw them as a clown!
Jeremy Kyle: Just a trick…
Jonathon Ross: Ronald, he thinks you’re a fake. Care to show Jeremy your ability to turn him into a clown?
And so Ronald does just that, turns Jeremy Kyle into a prize clown. The audience by now are in stitches but Jeremy Kyle as no idea why they’re laughing.
Suddenly one of the stage hands appears with a large mirror for Jeremy
Kyle to look into. He does and can’t believe what he sees, a complete and utter clown looking back at him from the mirror.
Jeremy Kyle: Who’s that?
The next day the news is full of the Jeremy Kyle appearance on The Jonathon Ross Show.
Kyle the Clown!
Last night the king of tabloid talk shows was the latest victim of Ronald Wall’s Clowning around. The nasty TV host was shocked to see himself in a mirror as everyone else has seen him for years! It’s a time of reflection for Jeremy Kyle as the effect takes over a week before it wears off!
‘Hey, this is Ronald Wall. Well, that was just a taster, there’s lots more to tell you all; The Clayton Gang, my meeting with Donald Trump, and of course, my crime agency and my first meeting with Epidemic Sid.
Keep an eye out for me, I may be building a new hospital in your area or bricking up some more bad guys!’
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